Guest Post

(Guest post, by Jeff)
 
An ode to marriage:

I stayed with the girls last night while holly took the boys to a movie. Before leaving she gave me the run down on finishing up the dinner she had started, beef stroganoff.

It started simple enough....just boil some noodles. Once I committed she then starts with the rest of the story. Blah blah do stuff blah do stuff....here I'll write it down for you she says. I like bulleted lists with clear steps, so this sounds good. She grabs a piece of paper and starts.....bullet 1) drain meat first. Then much to my surprise she stops....that is it? Really.....all that blah blah do stuff is summed up in a single bullet....so lost/annoyed/feeling tested.

I moan and look annoyed and she finally gives in and spoon feeds me some more info. Why it had to be this hard to get some instructions is not clear to me....but I got them and I got this.

Time comes and I get started. Noodles are in a big Tupperware with no literature attached....man how much do I need? That isn't in my notes. Call my mom but no answer....crap. Oh wait, how do we figure out all sorts of things in 2014....Google. "How to cook noodles" enter.

This is the point I realize how in the weeds I am.....so few ppl search for how to cook noodles.....Google doesn't freaking know. I get all sorts of info on making them from scratch....you know like an Italian grandmother would do. I just laugh at the disconnect.

While I am not an expert is stroganoff, I am an expert at Google....I got this. New search "how many cups of noodles in a serving". Enter. Now we are talking.....cups to servings info for many different noodle types. I got this.

Noodles in water. Moving on.

Sauce recipe wants a cup of water brought to a boil.....no problem. Water in pan provided by holly. Wait....this pan is huge. Water is 1/4 inch deep. Really? Going to boil 1/4 inch of water? I re-read the instructions, I recheck the pan I was directed to. All is checking out...but this seems odd. But I refuse to deviate from the plan. I feel like a x-wing pilot honing in on the exhaust port "stay on target, stay on target"

Water check, meat (drained) check, sauce packet check.....May the boiling begin. Boiling check, reduced to simmer check, thickening up just like advertised.....I got this.

At this point I'm on a roll....I got this. I even have an original thought....we need a side. Green beans it is. I got this.

All is done, on the table, on plates......let's do it.

Wow that is the worst salty stroganoff I have ever had. The girls and I make the best of beans and noodles. Eating just enough salty meat to get by.

Flash forward.....holly is home.

She and the boys sit down for dinner. She asked if it was good. I just smile ans answer "you will see". She looks at the salty meat mush and her eyebrows furrow. Lots of questions start flying....but I'm clean. I know I followed the directions "I'm on target, I'm on target". Yes both packets, yes water, yes drained the meat, yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

"Did you add the sour cream?" Damn you, damn you all to hell. No.

All that work, all that progress, all that beating Google into submission. And it all comes down to sour cream.

Jerry maguire's "you complete me" has no idea how much was required to complete ME.

Completing stroganoff needs only sour cream, completing me needs Holly.