Frustrated Beyond Belief.

I am at home. The last 48 hours have been ridiculous and frustrating. It seems I am trapped in a situation that is abnormal, and with a medical community trapped by legal restrictions and fear from malpractice lawsuits.

Even though I was 6cm dilated, I had not had any contractions all night. Hence, I could not be considered in "active labor", so they could not help me progress. After much stress, I decided to agree to the amnio that they wanted to do. The amnio would tell them if Olive's lungs were mature enough to induce me. Anything over a 55 means the lungs are ready. Anything under 40 means they are immature. 40-54 is a "grey area". I told them that is exactly where I would fall, and I did. It came back 51. I laid there and let them stick a needle through my abdomen and into my uterus and suck up my baby's amniotic fluid for them to tell me it wasn't quite the number they needed to do anything to help me.

I am frustrated, Jeff is frustrated, the nurses and midwives and doctors are frustrated. Their hands are tied even though they want to help... and yet, I left the hospital yesterday at 6cm dilated. I made it very clear that they would not be checking my cervix before I left, that I would not be coming in if I'm just having contractions, and that I am not going to the doctor's office this week, or even early next week, because there is no point and because any of those things would just give them a reason to stick me in the hospital without being able to help me... again. I am not going back in until either a) my water breaks or b) I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it and Jeff has to carry me to the car. The fear of delivering a baby in the car or in my bed has been replaced with the fear of being trapped in a hospital where no one will help me. I would be better off with Jeff, some towels, a couple pieces of dental floss and a nasal aspirator.

Oh, and they said they cannot break my water or help me along, unless I am in "active labor", unless I am 39 weeks or further. If they have to see cervical changes while I am in the hospital, then they will probably be out of luck. If I go in next week and let them check me (which I won't), and I'm 7cm... and they freak out and send me to the hospital, then I would have to sit there until either they saw me further dilate or they give up and just send me back home after another couple days of crappy food and nurses waking me up to take my blood pressure all night long. No, until Olive's head is coming out of my body, I'm staying right where I am.