Ivey's birthday wishes

Ivey has declared that she wants to have a costume party for her 5th birthday (which isn't until October, mind you).  She wants costumes and scary decorations.  This, I can do.  A masquerade party for my little quirky girl is just perfect.  However, what I cannot accommodate is her desired location.... The Courthouse Tavern.  Sure, it has live music and cool decor in October.  Ivey has informed us that she wants to stand at the front door and greet her guests, in costume.  Sadly, a 5 year old birthday simply cannot be held at a bar.  I'm sure we will be taking her out for a birthday dinner, though!

"For my next birthday, I want an army of nice and mean little ponies, and skeleton people, and a toy little brother that picks his nose.  Not a real one."

Because Sleeping Pics are Sweet

A Little Breakdown

I had a little breakdown this weekend.  A good thing has happened.  Someone is buying our house.  Not just anyone... but the right couple is buying it.  They are young, and energetic, and I can tell that they are just quirky enough to accept that house for all of its unique imperfect perfection.  It is a great house.  I love it.  I love it because we worked so very hard on it... and because our children grew there... and because it was like a living, breathing member of our family.  We molded it and helped it to grow and flourish back into its beautiful self.  It had lost itself for a while... and it needed us.  I love that house.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks that we are in this in between spot, and the only way to get out is to dig to China with a spoon.  Somehow, we have decided that we can accomplish this monumental task of building an entire house from nothing... from trees.  I feel so far away from a place to call my own... from a place where I can unpack all of the treasures that have no place to go.  

It hit me that, for 14 years of marriage, we have worked on things without enjoying the comforts of our hard work.  I am 35 years old... and I just want somewhere to make pretty.  Somewhere that is my own that I can be proud of... that I can have guests visit without a long explanation of its state.  For my entire adult life I have had to explain the process we are in, why there are piles of crap everywhere, and why things around us are in a half-finished state.  

I had a pitty-party.

Our 10 year plan began about 4 years ago.  We moved almost three years ago. Phase I was selling (ok, so that part took longer than expected) & moving, Phase II was to work on the house in Inman, so that we could move to the very long and hard Phase III... building our home.  I think that, unlike working on the house in Bethlehem, it's hard for me to get my head around this process.  This leaves me with a panicky feeling of just not knowing what to expect.  What I do know is that Jeff is working his tail off.  We are deep in the trenches of work, where he and Randy are working on it about 5 days per week, after work and on weekends.  I bet Jeff puts in 20 hours a week, on top of a full time job, farm, and family.  The foundation beams are cut, joints cut, and they are in place.  Now, they will move to the downstairs floor joists.  A lot of times, I am focused in the day to ay running of our family and not thinking about the 10 year process that we are in.  But, times like this weekend make me feel like I am in the middle of an ocean, on a tiny piece of wood.  I cannot even see the shore.

Part of me is jealous of all of the normal people out there, who sell their house and move into a new one.  Jealous of those who move into a house where they choose their paint colors, unpack their boxes, hang their curtains, and live there. What are we thinking?  What are we doing?  What if we work this hard and don't succeed?  

And then, Jeff sent me a text.

"Family isn't a house."

He reminded me that, by the time the beams are in place and the structure is erected, my kids will be old enough that I can really be a huge help... like my pre-mommy self was on our past house projects.

I know he is right.  I just have to trust, and I have to learn to be very patient.  

Five years ago, I cried because I wanted to have a closet and a master bath.  This weekend, I cried for the same reason.  The thought of not having these things until I am over 40 years old takes my breath away.

But, I have to learn to trust.... and to be patient... and to let go of the weight of embarrassment.  

And it is not easy.

Girls will be Girls

A Random Day of Unstructured Science

Triple Birthday Lake Trip

 We all had such an awesome time at Anna's and the boys' 10th birthday party at the lake!  This is the best little group of kids, and it was a breeze for Ellen and I to take them on the trip.  Easy, relaxed, FUN!

Changes

 We have had a wonderful preschool experience so far.  The girls are learning to get along with others, work a a group, follow directions, and they get all of this is a warm, loving environment.  With this said, I have had a ton of mommy-guilt this past year about the lack of time I have spent working with them in the same way I was able to work with the boys.  When the boys were small, I had more time to sit and work with them on letters and numbers, time to make up big games to learn concepts, etc.  This go 'round, I am swamped.  Funny enough, I would have felt less guilt if they were on a normal level for their age.  However, they are in love with learning, close to reading, and already adding and subtracting.  I know they crave more, they are ready for much more, and I cannot provide it all.  There is only one of me!

I had talked to their preschool a few times throughout the past couple years about their advanced level.  Sadly, they just weren't able to do anything for them.  They had talked about maybe letting Olive skip the 4's, but that was years away. Ivey has an October birthday, so she was put in the 3's this ast year, even though she was 4 right after the cut-off... and already knew all of her letter sounds, how to write all of the letters, etc.  Basically, they could not be flexible.  I understood.  Really.  It's so hard to arrange classes, and you cannot simply move people just because their mom wanted them to.  I was disappointed, but understood.  I continued the school year with the weight of providing the girls with all of the new material that they were to learn.... while tackling a large year for the boys' school.

After I had already registered the girls for next year's preschool class, I had a revelation.  They don't have to stay where they are.  Maybe there is somewhere that can allow them to be placed where they fit, academically.  I searched around and found that there were options that were less "stuck" to the September 1st deadline... that had flexibility, and that were less "stuck" in the public schooling mentality.  I visited one and was amazed.  They would put Olive in an advanced class for those who already know their letters and are learning to read.... even though she is only 3.  They would put Ivey in a K-5 class, for those ready for Kindergarten... and she will also be learning to read.  I could see the proof that the kids in that class were working on math concepts like place value.  They even said they will continue to assess their needs and move them to whatever group is the best fit.  

A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

I didn't have to send my girls somewhere just for social development... and learn all of the academics at home.  I didn't have to settle for a model that I reject for my older children.  I am a homeschool mother.  I don't give a rip about September 1st.  I don't care what concepts are "supposed" to be taught at certain ages.  These are my children, and I will allow them to flourish and thrive without these arbitrary and narrow-minded assumptions and restrictions. 

I called to, in the very nicest of ways, let their school know that we would not be returning, after all.  It was sad... I have a strong emotional attachment there.  But, I know it is the best thing to do.  The defensive reaction on the other end of the phone surprised me.  I explained my reasons, and that I had tried to ask for help on their end... but that I totally understood the reasons why it just wasn't possible.  I understood, I understood, I understood.  There were defensive remarks about how the program was great... and an over-the-top emotional reaction to how it is top notch, etc.  I explained that it was my job to meet the academic needs of my children, and explained how tough the decision was, emotionally.  It became more and more obvious that academic acceleration was NOT the primary goal of the program... nor was it even desired or seen as a benefit.

Then, I was met with words that send a bubbling flood of anger and disgust up from my toes to my head.  

"You know... kids can be really advanced and reading at an early age... and then, in a few years, they level out and you cannot even tell them from the rest."

I guess the eace of God came over me, as I was able to keep in the reaction I was feeling and simply say, "Oh no!  We don't have to level out.  We homeschool."

I have never in my life felt more committed to homeschooling than I did after this phone call.  I did not know that the program had many rooted in the public school system at the time.  It wasn't until this conversation that it hit me.  Hard. 

The pot of homogenized fodder can have itself.  It will never have any of my children, so help me.

We will not settle.

We will not accept a narrow-minded view of education.

We will not blindly follow.